JJ Abrams, please save America

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Hey JJ. Can I call you JJ? Ok, cool.

Now I know you’re probably busy directing a new blockbuster or diving into the Scrooge McDuckian vault of money you have after Star Wars, but we need to talk. I have a serious proposal for you.

So you may have noticed, this season of America has gone off the rails. It’s like watching The Walking Dead at this point. All of our favorite characters are dying and everyone is miserable.

And the production is even worse. It’s nothing but terribly written dialogue, one-dimensional characters and outright hostility towards its viewers.

They even brought in a big-name celebrity for the lead and the ratings are still plummeting.

So hear me out on this, JJ—we need to reboot America.

I know you said you were done with reboots, but just think of what you could do with this.

Look at what you did with Star Wars—you managed to retain the magic of the original while introducing a younger generation to what we all loved as kids. And Star Trek? You kept all the kitsch we loved and maintained the high-concept tones. That was masterful.

We need that expertise because, at this point, the writers on this show aren’t even trying.

We now have a series that is just rehashing old plots. I mean, how long are they going to drag out this civil rights story-arc? Just finish it already. And that “War on Terror” storyline they introduced sixteen years ago? They really wrote themselves into a corner on that one. Now no one knows how to end it.

The new heroes? Park rangers. No seriously, park rangers are the heroes now.

One of the biggest threats? Not enough bees. Yes, bees. Are they just scripting this with mad-libs?

This show is in danger. More people are shopping around for a new series than ever before.

Now hear me out on this, JJ. You can save this. Remember how you got cool, charismatic, unknown actors to breath life into old franchises? I’m saying we get a cool, charismatic unknown actor to be the new George Washington. Someone really inspiring. He wouldn’t even have to be white. Or even male...

I know, I know. You’re thinking about the Twitter outrage you got for casting a black stormtrooper and a female lead in Star Wars. Because apparently skin color and genitals were important in a story about space wizards with laser swords. But despite the trolls, you still made a film that critics loved and made all of the money.

That’s the best part. We can fix all of the problems of the original series with this reboot. Let’s be honest, most of those early episodes haven’t aged well. The early seasons are particularly embarrassing. They didn’t even follow the rules they established in the pilot!

Now, we could focus the series on really high-brow concepts like space exploration. Think of all the lens flares you could use!

Or how about saving the planet? Saving the planet! Now those are high stakes that could bring in viewers.

Doesn’t that sound so much more interesting than hearing people debate gay marriage, gender equality or immigration for the billionth time? Yes, yes it does. Those plotlines need to be put to rest once and for all.

I will be awaiting your response, JJ. Just remember, at this rate America is probably going to be cancelled soon. Then we’ll just be stuck watching civil war reruns.

So please, JJ Abrams, make America great again.