BY APRILL EMIG | Managing Editor | My name is Aprill Emig and I’m an imposter. I’m afraid of being caught so this is me exposing myself before somebody else does.
No, I’m not in witness protection. I’m not secretly a 42-year-old reporter going undercover to investigate millennial college students. No, my impersonation is far less sexy than that. Instead, I’m just not as successful, capable or competent as others think. In other words, I suffer from imposter syndrome.
I’ve always been a planner, even if only in the most abstract ways (I have a magazine clipping I’ve held onto for years: a woman wearing a trench coat, precariously balancing a cardboard holder of Starbucks, this idealized image of my future career self heading to work at who-knows-where doing who-knows-what). I’m also very driven and my resume is admittedly pretty impressive for a 23-year-old college student. At least, I would hope it would be after having to work full-time through college. But I still feel immobilized by the fear that I’ll never ever find a job.
It’s not that I want to do nothing but “chill” and “see where life takes me” (the stereotypical millennial) or that I have no idea what my interests are (“I don’t know, man, I just wanna be happy”). In fact, I have a lot of ambitions. I just I feel like I’m not good enough to fulfill them.
I know I’m not the only one in this position. Sheryl Sandberg discusses the concept in her pseudo-feminist manifesto Lean In, calling it the “phenomenon of capable people being plagued by self-doubt.” Unsurprisingly, women are more susceptible to the feeling than men.
This insecure feeling has led me to pursue bigger challenges, to take on more responsibility and fill my plate with as many opportunities possible. The rationalization behind this process highlights its inevitable failure: if I do more, then I’ll be successful. But how much “more” do I have to do? I already work 40 hours a week with a fourth job on the way. Will it ever be enough?
This never-enough mentality reflects another affliction that primarily impacts women: eating disorders. “I’ll be good enough when I’m finally skinny.” It’s a reliance on external validation rather than a focus on internal satisfaction. We’re constantly chasing the finish line, the carrot on the stick that’s always out of reach.
My purpose in writing this isn’t to navel-gaze or humblebrag. Instead, I want to “come out” in hopes that I’m not the only one with this feeling. I may make snide remarks about the millennial mentality that posits us as immature and lazy (with whiny shows like “Girls” doing nothing to dissuade people of that notion) and frankly, UMD has it’s fair share of these types. But why does it have to be one extreme or the other? Why do our options seem to be limited to stoner millennial or perfectionist-ticking-time-bomb?
Maybe we in the latter category should take a cue from those in the former. It’s time we trust our capabilities and stop putting our self-worth in what others think of us. It’s time we create internal ideas of success and face the dismal job market with our heads held high and our resumes polished.