I’m such a cliché. I’ve tried to deny it, tried to reason my way out of it, but there’s no point. I’m a heterosexual cis-woman and I think too much during sex. It’s not just the typical things, either. Sure, I think about the chores left undone, all the studying I have to do and even the deadline for this column. But the most obnoxious thoughts have nothing to do with a to-do list.
Unwashed dishes aren’t the only dirty thoughts I have while doing the deed. Sometimes I'll envision my real fantasies, the ones I wouldn’t even tell my closest friends about. Not because they’re inherently embarrassing — and I’m very open with my sexuality — but because I can’t help but wonder what they mean about me.
Does wanting my boyfriend to be Mr. Teacher while he spanks me with a ruler mean I harbor guilt over that C I got in calculus? Does enjoying hair pulling, spanking and biting mean I have violent tendencies despite my in-real-life harmlessness?
And deep down the biggest fear lies — does all of this mean I have “daddy issues”? Maybe I’m the only straight lady who worries about this, but I seriously doubt it. Of course, the entire concept of “daddy issues” is grossly sexist. It’s basically the idea that a girl who grew up without a strong relationship with her father is somehow filling the void through kinky sex (which to some means anything other than missionary position, so take that with a grain of salt).
Now, let’s say this concept isn’t entirely without merit. It could be easy to assume that a girl who doesn’t get “fatherly love” will seek love from men in any way possible — the easiest of which takes the form of sex.
But what this logic leads to is a pathologization of sex, and it almost entirely targets women. There really isn’t an equivalent for men. “Mommy issues” doesn’t carry nearly the same weight in our society, and it is almost only used in the context of a man who is unable to domestically care for himself and needs a woman (typically his mother) to do it all for him.
This concept of women’s sexuality boils down to the classic “nuts or sluts” defense. What was once the parlance of the courtroom has worked it’s way into the bedroom of so many women. We’re either nuts — looking at you, Daddy Issues — or sluts, which means looking, dressing or acting slutty according to someone’s whims at any given point in time.
So now when I get stuck thinking about what my kinks mean about me as if I’m some 13 year old blogging about deep thoughts, I’m going to tell myself to snap out of it. I’m not nuts, and the parameters of what a slut is are so broad I was considered one when I was a virgin, so that’s irrelevant. Instead of backing away from and over-analyzing my fantasies, I’m going to say them out loud and maybe act them out. I’m going to use them for fuel instead of an extinguisher.
I’m going to get out of my head and back on his.
BY JASMINE STRAYED Columnist